Men: A Brief Owner's Guide

Wandering around the book store the other day I found myself in the self help aisle. Now, I am usually very suspicious of such books as I believe that you should read Shakespeare to better understand human relationships; Romeo and Juliet about how to have a happy relationship, Hamlet to better get along with your mom, Othello to deal with trust issues in your relationship, and Macbeth for tips on career advancement. That all of these plays ended in the bloody deaths of most the main characters ought not to detract from my main point.

Anyway, I noticed a curious collection of titles dealing with women better understanding men. Curiously enough most of these books were by women. Now, I will be the first to admit that women are a complete and utter mystery to me...and frankly scare me a little...I do my best to navigate my relationships with my daughter and girlfriend but frankly it is a roller coaster ride and I find myself chugging pepto bismol by the quart at the end of most days. But that's me. So...because I cannot find anything better to write about this morning I decided to offer a cliff notes owner's guide for men covering the basics.

• Sex: Yes...we like sex and we think about it all the time. In fact we think about meat, sports, and sex and that's pretty much it. Anything else we think about pertains to how to get more meat, more time to watch sports, and how to get more sex. We rake the lawn so you wont be upset and not sleep with us. We shower so you will not find us repulsive and not sleep with us. Its depraved but there it is.

• Food: Keep it basic, keep it good, and keep it coming. Seriously though, even I have figured out that food is a non threatening way to express love.
  

• Sports, Westerns and the Three Stooges: I like sports and westerns, but not the Stooges. But most men like all three. Like the weather this is just something that you have to accept that you have no power over and move on.

• Confrontation: Never bring up a difficult, confrontational, or embarrassing topic while in bed or while the man is naked. Ever. In bed is where we feel safe and naked where we are at our most vulnerable. Wait for him to get dressed before you emasculate him.

• Break-Ups: Break up in person. Don't do it on the phone or via text message. Don't do it by leaving the apartment with another man. Yes...I am unloading personal baggage here.
  

• Communication: If you want to send a man into a panic tell him "we need to talk." If you want to give him a heart attack tell him "we need to talk but it will have to wait until tomorrow." Be direct, be clear, repeat yourself. We are not as evolved as women in this area so you need to be patient. While you might be asking for a blanket by saying "don't you think its cold in here?" to a man you are talking about the weather.

• Shopping: For many women its a hobby and is something to be enjoyed. For men, a trip to the department store is a necessary evil. Men prefer surgical strikes where the fastest route to and from the desired section of the store has been planned in advance. Men devolve into impatient 5 yr olds on extended trips to the Mall. Leave us at home.

• Family: Don't get involved with a man who does not pay attention to his kids (see Friday's post for what Don Corleone said on this subject). Get involved with one who plays with your kids and wants to participate in your family life and you in his.
  

• Emotions: As women you have access to a wide range of emotions as well as the vocabulary to express how you feel. Men don't. Our emotions are pretty much the following; Hungry, not hungry, horny, not horny, tired, awake, sad, happy, angry, not angry, hot, cold. That's it....and we don't possess the vocabulary to express even this limited range of feeling. So don't be upset if we are unable to engage you in a meaningful discussion about emotions and feelings. This would be like my asking my dog to have a discussion about economic theory and then be upset that he was unable to respond.
  

• Sex: I already covered this one didn't I? Did I mention it was important? It is...but be patient with us...maybe it will be less so with another 200,000 years worth of evolution. But were would the fun in that be?

So...that's my brief owners guide for men. Pay a little attention to us, take us outside, and tell us we are good boys and we will be fine....I know this sounds like the way to treat your dog...well...that will tell you just how evolved we truly are. Oh...did I mention that sex was important?