Blessings at Sunrise

This morning I woke up at an hour where I had a hard time deciding whether to pour myself a scotch to celebrate the end of the day or put on a pot of coffee to greet the morning. I really don't sleep well anymore and there are times when I suffer from the effects of sleep deprivation, although I suppose its not so bad seeing pink elephants in broad daylight while driving at 75 miles per hour.

Anyway, while pondering my options I did drift off to sleep again only to awaken again at 5:00 in the morning. Now there was a time when I would consider this the middle of the night...but seeing as how the alarm was going to go off at 6:00 I decided to stay up. I am one of those people who needs coffee to get going in the morning, so I put on a pot, took out the dog, and started thinking my thoughts. Five o'clock in the morning is a good time for me to spend with myself. The kids are still asleep and I don't have work tugging at me. Once the coffee was ready I put on my heavy coat and went out to my balcony and took a seat.

Lately I have been dealing with a number of frustrations that has contributed to my problems sleeping. I work in a profession where nothing gets accomplished unless I do it. The nature of my work requires persistence and knowing when to push and when to lay in wait. Borrowers, underwriters, attorneys, all need to be pushed, directed, coerced, rewarded, and punished and knowing which to apply when is the trick to my profession. Regardless of what needs to be done, I am the one pulling the strings. Letting go and letting others take the lead are not things that would serve me well as a mortgage broker nor are they things that come easily to me. However, as I sit, I remind myself that I am more than what I do for a living and that in much of the rest of my life I need to let events play out, that I need to others take the lead, and that I need to take my foot off the gas pedal and go along for the ride.

My apartment faces to the east and as I sat I was able to see the sky turn from a pale gray to glowing yellow as my part of the world turned to face the sun. In the moments leading up to the sun rising I did take a moment to count my blessings. I have three great kids. They are relatively happy, healthy, loving and funny. I have someone in my life whom I adore. I have a great job that allows me to support my family and gives me a great deal of freedom as to how I manage my time. Life, despite its ups and downs, is pretty good right now.

I know how to scratch, claw, and fight....these come easy to me. Patience, trust, acceptance...well...these are the quieter virtues that I am struggling to acquire. Nevertheless, I am a lucky man.