Saturday, April 4, 2009

Chinese Resturant Last Call Hell

When I got home last night and after I fed my pets I watched my dog eat my cat's food and my cat eat my dog's food which was confirmation that it was a f**ked up night.

So...yesterday was my oyster. No kids, no work, no worries. I visited with a friend in New Bedford, had malasadas (Portuguese fried dough) and coffee for breakfast, got a haircut and a shave, and then spent much of the rest of the day kayaking on a river in Dartmouth. For those of you not from these here parts, New Bedford has the largest Portuguese community in America and is a former textile town that still trying to find itself after the mills left in the 1960s. Its neighboring town of Dartmouth, is noted for its rolling countryside, old stone walls, and great beaches. Its one of the few remaining towns in New England that has farmland that goes right down to the sea.

I got home, put out my wet suit to dry, went for a swim, and then slept for three hours. I did some writing, and chatted with a few friends. By the time 11:00 rolled around I decided to go out for some dinner. Now, when I am out this late I typically an observer of last call activity and not a participant. In other words, I watch the train wrecks happen, I am not the train wreck. Last night I was almost the train wreck.

There is a local Chinese restaurant that is pretty good and from what I discovered last night, is where 30 and 40 somethings go to act like teenagers and 20 somethings. I went to the bar, sat, ordered a drink, and looked at the menu. Three attractive, professional looking women came in and sat down next to me. They introduced themselves, being the polite guy that I am, I did the same. We chit chatted for a bit, I asked them where they were from and they asked the same of me. I asked them what they did, and they asked me what I did. I told them and we chit chatted about mortgages for a bit and moved on from there.

Now, I went to this place for dinner and not to be social but I figured what the hell. Big mistake. As I nursed my vodka tonic they were going through their drinks like the place was going to run out of alcohol. Somewhere mid-binge, one of them asked me for my business card. Letting greed get in the way of better judgement (isn't it usually lust that gets in the way of better judgement at bars late on Saturday night?) I gave her my card. With my cell phone number on it.

So as things started to unravel I looked for a way to leap off the train before it crashed. However, I could not bring myself to be outright rude so I continued to engage the boozy threesome.

Buzzed Lady #1: "sooooooo...Tom....are you single?"

TP: "I am divorced."

Buzzed Lady #2: "we are all divorced...and we hate our ex-husbands...are you an ex-husband?"

TP: ...thinking "I wonder how your ex-husband's feel about you?" while saying "well I am divorced so I am an ex-husband."

The dialogue continued along those lines until it was almost too late for me to emerge unscathed.

Buzzed Lady #3: "We were talking while you are in the rest room, last call is coming soon, could we have a drink at your place?"

TP: with a little voice in his head screaming RUN RUN RUN....AS FAST AS YOU CAN AS SOON AS YOU CAN AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN RUN SILENT RUN DEEP RUN RUN RUN....saying "well...its late and you do have a drive ahead of you."

Buzzed Lady #1: "we like you and my friend really likes you."

Buzzed Lady #3: "I really like you."

TP: saying "that's awfully nice of you" while thinking "instead of toast and milk I had to go out. IDIOT."

TP: with mental image of three drunk woman at my place drinking my booze and being a general pain in the ass...."CHECK PLEASE."

We said our goodnights and I headed home. As I was driving down the street my phone started buzzing, it was them. Texting me if I had changed my mind. I ignored the text as I did the 12 messages that followed. And the 6 voice mails.

I went to mass this morning and afterwards I ran into a friend (the one who makes the moonshine) and told him the story from last night. He appeared envious and said to me that I was lucky and that I could do this whenever I wanted...which is a typical thing for a married guy to say and is something I hear often. We have kids the same age and have much in common...he also has a great wife...I found myself being the envious one. He then said as he pulled away to have a late brunch his wife has waiting for him..."Tom...when you don't have your kids you can do what you want, with who you want...enjoy your freedom."Freedom comes in many forms and I was free to handle last night in any number of ways. I was, in that setting, responsible only for myself. I have only myself to be faithful to. I am free to do what I want. Its funny though, what is a source of envy for one man feels like a curse to another.

Damn....Buzzed Lady #3 left me another message. Crap.


  1. I think that's awesome that you have some self-control and know how to see the consequences...instead of how you could have felt this A.m. when you all woke up!!! YIKES! YOu would have been trying to figure a plan on how to get them the hell outta your house. Sounds like your married friend is pretty unhappy! Sounds like a P-I-G to me! Im sure his wife and kids would love to hear him say what he said. EW. ****time to change your phone # & get new cards printed! I know what you're gonna be doing today!!! hahahha****

  2. hahahahah... oh Tom... so sorry and of course I was telling you on Twitter to go out.. sorry!!! Glad you didnt have them back to your place.. it probably would have been messy. :)
    ps... I went to UMASS Dartmouth so U totally know where you are talking about!! Loved it there!!

  3. So, you could have had a threesome. Three drunk ladies (ladies mentioned quite loosely) who wanted to come back to "your place".

    WHATTHEHELLISWRONGWITHPEOPLE? Is this 1985 when getting drunk in a club and hooking up with the person who looked the best thru beer goggles was considered "ok"?

    And you wonder why I stay home. With my razor that looks like a vibrator. Or is it a vibrator that looks like a razor? I dunno...haven't gotten it in the mail yet.

    Tom, you need to get the hell out of Abington.

  4. friend at Mass is a great guy and loves his wife...from time to time we are all guilty of thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

  5. You poor thing, what a night! ( But you have to admit, it did make for a great blog post...and future sitcom...) It sounds like there were Ally McBeal songs playing in the background left and right at that restaurant! Hope the week improves record speed!