Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Goodtime Tommy Has the Blues

Yes...I have the blues today. There once was a time when I would have indulged in some sort of self destructive behavior to deal this. I would have smoked a cigar or two in the back yard, had some of my friend's moonshine (yes...I have a friend who has a still...he is a law professor at a university in Boston), and sat down with a half gallon of ice cream and watched a marathon session of House. That last option would have been the most self destructive one (Dr. House and I share certain personality not the vicodin thing... and we share the same motto).

Now that I have my kids all the time I casted about for alternatives as I don't have the time to treat a blue mood with the aforementioned vices..

I cooked today...a lot...I churned out blueberry muffins, omelets, homefries, a pot roast, pumpkin pie, homemade pizza, and I have cookies in the oven now. It helped...but not enough.

So I gave my friend Blondie a poke...we agreed that going to my kids' school parking lot early and find someone to torment would be a good idea...and boy it turned out to be just the thing...

At my kids' parochial school the parents gather in little herds around the parking lot as they wait for their kids to be released from school. I know these people...and they...know me. I had a choice of inviting targets today; former cheerleaders, the three guys who wear sweatpants and flip flops all the time (no...couldn't do that...that would be like picking on slow, dull children), the two moms who wear clothing two sizes too small and who sell sex toys, and the more annoying, more inviting prey that roam the parking lot. I decided to set my sights high and cautiously approach the most annoying herd of all and bide my time before I pounce.

Queen Bee: "We shop at Whole Foods all the time. I mean we almost live there. I went there today but I was so upset that I forgot my canvas shopping bag."

Hanger On #1: "Oh why were you upset?"

Queen Bee: " you know that plastic grocery bags will remain in landfills for thousands of years?"

Hanger On #2: "Oh are always concerned about the environment."

Queen Bee: "Well...I think we all should do what we can to protect the environment. Everyone should be conscious about their carbon footprint."

Tom: "Oh I agree...I noticed you got a new car."

Queen Bee: "I love it Tom, it has leather seats, a GPS, all the bells and whistles that I love. I told my husband that I wanted our next car to be fully loaded."

Tom: " many miles per gallon does your Escalade get?"

Queen Bee: "Oh...I don't know. Do you?"

Tom: "Well...let me tell you...driving around that thing gives you a carbon footprint the size of Big Foot's."

With three sentences I had mortally wounded my prey. I left her on the parking lot for the hyena's to finish off. I felt much better.

The day's crowning moment came when I told my ex wife that the best thing about being divorced is that I no longer have to listen to her.

It turned out to be a good day after all.


  1. You bad Tom but in a good way. I love House but I have to fight for tv time to watch it. My kids are bullies. I also have a bit (lot?) of that sarcasm/quick come-back in my character. But thats what makes us interesting.

  2. Oh we both had that sort of day yesterday. I wish I were in on that carbon footprint convo. I suppose her hubby has a hummer. Not the one she gives him only when he buys her something, either.

    Oh and I thought about selling sex toys but by the time I got thru looking at the demo kit, I'd have used all the products. I'll stick with writing.

  3. That's awesome! Im so glad you mentioned the annoying school moms! I tell all my friends (cuz I have a school age child, and they don't yet) that I can't wait for all them to have to deal with the flocks! OMG I almost get in fights with them daily! Don't even get me started on the PTA~