Unintended Consequences

I am forever telling my kids (my boys in particular) to think before they act, that the results of their actions could have repercussions beyond their intentions. I tell them this as they pass the football in front of the big screen TV, I tell them this just before they are about to dash into the street after a baseball, and I tell them this as they fight amongst themselves.

A part of what a kid learns are that his actions and his words have an effect on those around him. A part of our job as parents is to teach our kids to look both ways before crossing, look before leaping, and to think before speaking. This is a part of teaching them to consider as many of the possible consequences of their actions before the fact rather than worry about damage control afterward.

This is where I am at today. I am dealing with the unintended consequences of about forty five seconds worth of carelessness. A week ago I was careless and opened my mouth without thinking. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew that there would be a steep price to pay for my thoughtlessness. However, in my case, the price was not a damaged TV or a broken lamp but rather I may have cost myself my best friend.

I never intended this to happen...but I should have known that my actions carry repercussions beyond my intentions. I should have known better.

I miss my friend.

My Ex Wife

Its been a challenging few days here in Dadland... and there are a number of things I won't share with you dear reader but one thing I will tell you about...Sunday would have been my 17th wedding anniversary.

I have known my ex wife for more than 20 years and looking back over the time we have known each other we have had our ups and downs and more than our fair share of difficulty. We also have had more than our fair share of disagreement but through it all I knew I was dealing with someone who is a good and kind person.

Over the last few years we have developed a peculiar type of friendship. I admit, that there have been times I have not been as kind as I should have been to my friend, my ex wife. She is a good mother, devoted, attentive, and engaged in the lives of our children. She tried to be a good wife to me, however, I am afraid I let her down as a husband. I have tried my best to not let her down as an ex husband. I think, in her way, she has tried not to let me down as an ex wife.

This has been a difficult year for both of us. We have both had health and emotional issues with which to deal. Some of these issues are life altering. I recently suffered something of a setback (if you can call an unmitigated disaster a setback) with which I am still struggling. My ex wife, my friend, spent much of yesterday with me on the phone, talking to me, listening, and helping. This is something she has done many times over the past year. Anyone else would have told me to go to hell...in fact...she probably would have had every right to tell me just that.

I forget all too easily the good my ex wife brings into not only the lives of my children, but into my life as well. Its easy to let the acrimony that inevitably seeps into the relationship of former spouses such as ourselves taint, what has been for the most part, a sold, stable, reliable partnership. No...not merely a partnership...but a friendship, of a peculiarly special kind.

Christmas Ghosts....

Yesterday I worked up enough courage to get my Christmas tree and today I put it up. Tomorrow the kids and I will decorate it. My kids, my daughter in particular, is very concerned that I get a tree this year. As I have my kids with me for half the week that I would get a tree was never in question. How I would feel about the tree is.

My best friend's sister observed that Christmas comes with teeth....and I have found that for the last several years, just as I thought I was about to escape from the holiday season unscathed, Christmas comes, generally in the form of the ghosts of Christmas past, and takes a bite. For me, the tree, and the decorations, are fraught with memories, memories of those who are no longer here and those who have left. I feel funny for telling you this...but at age 42 I miss my grandparents terribly.

This year, just as I was thinking that I had a shot at emerging from this Christmas unscathed, but for a brief moment, I was careless and thoughtless. As a result, I have caused great damage and have done much harm. So this year, it appears that the Ghost of Christmas Present will be my companion for the holiday season. There is always next year.

The Holiday Season; The Fuzzy End Of The Divorce Lolly Pop

I have wrestled with this topic for about two weeks....in fact...I have avoided this space for almost as long while trying to figure out how to approach this. So here it is;

This will be the first Thanksgiving that I will not be spending with my children.

When my ex wife and I first separated we agreed that we would figure out a way for the five of us to spend the major holidays together. And it worked...for a while...but last year it became apparent it was time for us to do something different. So this Easter we split up the day...I had the kids in the morning and she had them in the afternoon. The kids found it difficult but we thought that Easter would be the best holiday to start a new routine to make things easier for the kids during the Holiday Season.

The ex wife and I started discussing Thanksgiving about a month ago. For a variety of reasons we decided that it would be best for me to spend the morning with the kids and that in the afternoon she would take them to her brother's for dinner. The kids are excited to be spending the day with their cousins. In fact, one of them remarked that holidays are supposed to be spent with aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins.

To her credit, my ex wife is concerned and interested in how I am going to spend the rest of my day. My first choice would be to spend the entire day with my kids. But this simply is not possible. Divorce is hard, its hard on kids and its hard on their parents...but we...the parents...were the ones who failed to make our marriage work...so in our divorce its right that we make compromises to make things easier and better for the kids.

So my ex wife and I compromised to make the best of a difficult part of divorce. And with any compromise you give up something to get something....but sometimes compromise means that what you get is the fuzzy end of the lolly pop...

Integrity

There's a word for you...integrity. Its a rare trait and not many people have it. When you meet someone who possesses it, hang on to them and hang on tight. And when you run into some one who does not have it, well...its pretty hard to run from them as you would end up running from much of the human race.

Yes...I am in a cynical mood.

Over the last month or so I have been accused of having less than impeccable integrity. I have no delusions about being perfect...I know I am far from it. But I also know that even the appearance of being less than forthright can lead to trouble. For myself, I am there are situations where, with little prompting, I am ready to accuse someone in indulging in the same behavior that I appear to be exhibiting. This is where a deep breath is needed before I fly off the handle and be a hypocrite, which is the opposite of having integrity. This is the place I am at today.

I need to be mindful that things are not always what they appear and that my own behavior could easily be called into question on any number of occasions on any number of topics....and that I can't have the moral high ground while wallowing in the muck. I can't have it both ways.

People do want it both ways, myself included. But in trying to have everything you often end up with nothing...including your integrity.

A Job

Yesterday I started my new job in earnest. Its a sales job. Its door to door. No...I am not selling vacuums (my dear friend has a terrific story about a Kirby sales call made to her home involving a vibrating attachment...but I will retell it only with her permission). I am selling something that people actually want; cable, Internet, and phone service from Comcast.

No...this is not my dream job...but it is something for which I am aptly suited, requiring determination, guile, the ability to think on ones feet, and a certain imperiousness to rejection. Its also a job that is, to a degree, immune to the ebb and flow of the global economy which is a far cry from mortgages. People want to be entertained and they are loathe to give up cable TV or the Internet even in the leanest of times.

And these have indeed been lean times. I made the mistake that many people make in lean times. They. No. We, we loose sight of whats important in life and let the crisis at hand define who we are. We also let what we do define who we are. I was a mortgage broker and when that career began to evaporate I found myself adrift. Now I am the cable guy...wait...that doesn't sound right...but you get the idea. I had forgotten that work is what we do...not who we are. Its a means to an end and that end is the ability to live our lives and provide for our families. I work to live...I do not live to work. But work I must.

So last night, for the first time in months and months I slept through the night and I awoke with a feeling that I have not felt since the spring. I felt normal. A job and all that comes with it will do that for a man.

I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.

Head Up, Eyes Forward

Life is like riding a bicycle. Both are best done with your head up and eyes forward. Any other approach can be hazardous as I learned this morning when, after a momentary distraction, I took a spill on my bicycle in the middle of Route 18. Fortunately, this being a Saturday morning and there was little traffic on this usually busy road, I was able to get up and limp away and avoid an unfortunate encounter with anything other than asphalt.

Equally hazardous, but not quite as obvious, are the dangers of being distracted from one's own life. I constantly tell my kids to pay attention to what they are doing and to their surroundings. I also remind them that their actions have consequences for others as well as themselves. I should follow my own advice.

Adult life as has many distractions as those navigated by our kids. The Internet alone offers enough to keep us distracted from what is really important. I personally think that Facebook is a conspiracy to keep us adults distracted while the television networks capture our kids.

As for my mishap...my ringing cell phone distracted me. As I fumbled for the phone I had my spill. Re-injuring my leg (I hurt it about two months in a whiffle ball related incident...only men in their 40s get hurt while playing whiffle ball) I wheeled my bike home. As I was making my way home I looked at my phone to see who was calling. A client perhaps? Or maybe someone who just wanted to say hi. No....it was my ex-wife whom I suspect knew that somewhere, somehow I was having a carefree moment...

Seriously...my cellphone...as vital as it is to my life...has been a tremendous distraction over the years...It has interrupted vacations, time with my kids, and dates. And today it interrupted my bike ride and I have been couchbound since.

At least I have the Internet to amuse myself with.