Knowing and Realizing

Knowing and Realizing are two different things.

When I got that phone call from my oldest son that sunny afternoon in January I knew my life was about to change. When February unfolded I knew things were going to be very different for me. When my ex's illness because apparent I knew I was going to have to make a new home for myself. When my kids moved in with me I knew my days as a bachelor were over.

Today the realization hit. As I said, knowing and realizing are two different things.

I now go grocery shopping on Friday nights. Yes....its a thrilling activity but it has to be done sometime. My kids stay with a friend while I get enough groceries to supply the Normandy invasion. Its also time I need to think about things other than mortgages or whose turn is it to play the Wii.

I whipped through the store, loaded up the car, and sat. For forty five minutes.

It hit me. I am on an island here.

Think a rocky outcropping. In November. Under a steel gray ski.

I am on my own with this. No co-parent. No partner. Nuthin.

Yikes....

So after staring into the abyss for about five minutes, I took an inventory. While my oldest son insists that we still need an xbox360, the logistics of my kids' lives have been resolved for now, I also know that the fallout from what has happened to them is coming. I am already worried about my daughter. Heck, I even tried turning to a practical stranger for some help with her. My oldest son is still decompressing. My younger son...well...while he spends much of his time in a bubble, his time is coming too.

As for me....well...yes...I am on an island. I wish it weren't so but there is is. I realize that for this to work the following has to happen; I need a long term plan for my kids (which I am working on) and I need to find a way to hammer out a space for me in all of this. While I don't expect to be able to come and go as I once could, I need to find some way, some place to recharge. Right now I have no clue as to how to do this...I need to work on this as well.

I guess this is a challenge that a lot of single parents face. I see many single parents either submerge themselves entirely into their kids lives or they spend their time fending off their children. Neither option appeals to me. I think this happens because they cannot find a way to have a bit of space for themselves. Either fear of venturing out beyond their children or a refusal (or inability) to imagine something different from the life they have created for their families keep them from having a bit of their lives for themselves. Names and faces of people I know are flooding into my mind now who fit easily into either category. There has to be another way.

I know that if I am to have any joie de vive and live a life that has any style there needs to be room for me in this equation. My kids will be better for it and so will I. Besides, I need to be able to turn this island of ours into a tropical one.....